I am giving up on chronology - when I get behind i dont catch up, and a blog with no updates is kind of lame. Tonight I cant sleep because there is too much whirling around in my head. I have been thinking a lot about faith. It's a bit of a story:
The Context
Here there are a lot of homeless people. In every city I have been to. Begging, sleeping in parks or on benches. Calling out, 'How are you doin''. Trying to trick you into paying them money.
I have been in the South, and have been to a few civil rights museums. I have been in the land of Martin Luther King Jnr - where he was shot, where he preached, where he lived... That has been really amazing, and moving. I didnt really know much about USA's civil rights history, except for slavery, and was surprised that segregation was only stopped in the 1960s. I have found the history of Martin Luther King Jnr pretty amazing. I have been sobered by photos and videos about the impacts of peaceful protest, and moved by his personal conviction, and what he sufferred for his cause.
More personally, I have had some surprising encounters with people on issues of race. Some conversations with locals paint blacks more as criminals and communities to be afraid of and in, than as people, some of whom are criminals, and cautioning that in some areas I need to be careful and why.
It doesn't matter who told me what, but I was told that I might not want to walk down this street or that street because it is a black area. That's it. No other explanation. Nothing about crime statistics. No explanation about why it might be more risky for white people to go there (found out from subsequent conversations, that in some areas no white people go there except cops and social workers, so not a high level of joy about white folks). No explanation about anything. Just, there are blacks there. Same about a night club. Thought it was too dangerous, too many blacks.
I find this so deeply disturbing.
Most immediately for me, I have found these experiences unsettling in terms of thinking about my own safety. I have no idea what these statements mean. I know the colour dynamic is different over here, and I have to be sensible. But working out what these statements mean practically is tricky.
Most importantly, though, it is really disturbing for the health of communities here. To paint barriers so starkly is really dangerous. The proximity to the days of segregation matters - it is in the living memory of some people, and I think that impacts on life here.
Just to clarify at this point - by no means has every white person I have met been racist. Some people don't seem to think much about it. Others seem to have opinions that are informed sensibly by history and are have differing levels of understanding about the issues. Mostly it doesn't come up.
The Faith Connection
I drove through some little hic towns in Tennessee and (aside from seeing some hillbillies in real life, woohhooo!!!) I drove through a town famous for lynching blacks. Right there in the heart of the bible belt.
And i got to thinking about how the South had been into slavery more than the North. How the South seems to be more fundamentalist than the North. How there is no longer segregation in the States, but I find myself being one of very few white people in some of the places I go down here (in the South).
More irony...
And here I am sitting in my hostel thinking a lot about judgementalism and faith, and sin, and blind spots and morality. And me back home. And us back home. And what faith means.
How can the church ever be the beautiful bride of Christ?
Some of us hit social justice, some of us miss racism. Some of us let women lead, others of us dont let gay people lead. Some of us nail chastity, some of us let judgementalism or piousness in. Some of us get the rules right, but totally miss grace. Some of us look righteous but don't have faith. Some of us go to church regularly, but how many of us let the holy spirit work in us towards His transformation?
How does the bible belt (as a big generalisation) miss slavery and racism? What is the NZ church missing? What needs do we live with or justify? Are we active about loving people or do we play church? Do we attend, or do we practice being Christlike? Are we Christlike about the big issues as well as the little things - the every day, things done for ourselves or for others, but without trumpets and banners?
But actually first, how are we listening to God and allowing him to shape us before we do a thing?
The Confession
For a long time I have felt like these questions have been churning inside.
A lot of what I have been thinking about while I have been here is that I am pretty good at making excuses for not doing things. What I am about to say I think helps to keep me from being Christlike, and helps me to miss being part of the church-answer to issues like the ones I have talked about above.... It is my confession.
I have felt unqualified for Christianity for ages. I grew up in a 'good Christian household' where I was brought up to be good. And in some ways it doesnt come too hard... there is something to be said for following the training of your parents. But I can do that pretty well without any involvement from God.
My problem is that I have tried so hard to be good about morality, that I have missed the joy of obedience. And i have done it myself. I have been good out of discipline (and there are definate moments on help from god), but i have not stretched my 'obedience' outside what the church has seemed to be comfortable with. I have also lived in fear of stuffing it up so that sometimes I feel like I haven't lived. Sometimes i feel like i have suffocated the life of Christ out of my own self. I've developed habits of legalism and not of a life sourced in Christ, so much so that I think I have a pretty warped view of what Christianity is. I can feel like God loves everyone, and see how it applies, but find it hard to accept that the offer is also for me.
I think I got used to churches that told me what to do and how to live. And i have to get better at taking responsibility for my own Christianity, especially in the light of things I have seen.
And now I am stuck. Churches go too fast for me because they want me to be involved. I want to learn how to obey God, but I feel vulnerable about people in positions of authority getting me to do what they want me to do. Is it what they need, or what I need, or what God wants or a mix?? Somewhere there is a balance between seeing a need and doing something about it, and cultivating Christ in us so that he impels us. I also that I get so tied up in questions about things that I get overwhelmed and cant go forward very well.
I dont want to be 'in church' for its own sake. I want to know Jesus and know the power of His kingdom for me (which translates into His kingdom to others). I dont want to get tied up serving inside the church, but when I am honest, I dont want my life to be too overtaken by Christ! Oh man!
So, that is my confession. Its kind of a confession and kind of not. I think the confession is that I havent been doing all I can do to sort out my questions. But I am not sorry for my questions.. I think thats an important part of growing up in faith.
I am figuring out over here how important community is. Without community, I couldn't help the homeless guy who wet himself at the bus stop beside me. I have nothing to offer - it is too much for me to meet that need alone. That takes a group of people (including a whole lot of men! Ha) to address the cause of something that can result in that kind of indignity. I cant do much about racism over here... thats a problem that takes relationship with people over a long time.
I am also missing all my friends from home, being able to chat about things, share little things in life and work through things that come up. I am really looking forward to coming home, and to settling into life again. I'm going to need some help with my questions... In the mean time, you praying folk could pray for me about this stuff, and for God's peace to be with me in my travels...
The Context
Here there are a lot of homeless people. In every city I have been to. Begging, sleeping in parks or on benches. Calling out, 'How are you doin''. Trying to trick you into paying them money.
I have been in the South, and have been to a few civil rights museums. I have been in the land of Martin Luther King Jnr - where he was shot, where he preached, where he lived... That has been really amazing, and moving. I didnt really know much about USA's civil rights history, except for slavery, and was surprised that segregation was only stopped in the 1960s. I have found the history of Martin Luther King Jnr pretty amazing. I have been sobered by photos and videos about the impacts of peaceful protest, and moved by his personal conviction, and what he sufferred for his cause.
More personally, I have had some surprising encounters with people on issues of race. Some conversations with locals paint blacks more as criminals and communities to be afraid of and in, than as people, some of whom are criminals, and cautioning that in some areas I need to be careful and why.
It doesn't matter who told me what, but I was told that I might not want to walk down this street or that street because it is a black area. That's it. No other explanation. Nothing about crime statistics. No explanation about why it might be more risky for white people to go there (found out from subsequent conversations, that in some areas no white people go there except cops and social workers, so not a high level of joy about white folks). No explanation about anything. Just, there are blacks there. Same about a night club. Thought it was too dangerous, too many blacks.
I find this so deeply disturbing.
Most immediately for me, I have found these experiences unsettling in terms of thinking about my own safety. I have no idea what these statements mean. I know the colour dynamic is different over here, and I have to be sensible. But working out what these statements mean practically is tricky.
Most importantly, though, it is really disturbing for the health of communities here. To paint barriers so starkly is really dangerous. The proximity to the days of segregation matters - it is in the living memory of some people, and I think that impacts on life here.
Just to clarify at this point - by no means has every white person I have met been racist. Some people don't seem to think much about it. Others seem to have opinions that are informed sensibly by history and are have differing levels of understanding about the issues. Mostly it doesn't come up.
The Faith Connection
I drove through some little hic towns in Tennessee and (aside from seeing some hillbillies in real life, woohhooo!!!) I drove through a town famous for lynching blacks. Right there in the heart of the bible belt.
And i got to thinking about how the South had been into slavery more than the North. How the South seems to be more fundamentalist than the North. How there is no longer segregation in the States, but I find myself being one of very few white people in some of the places I go down here (in the South).
More irony...
And here I am sitting in my hostel thinking a lot about judgementalism and faith, and sin, and blind spots and morality. And me back home. And us back home. And what faith means.
How can the church ever be the beautiful bride of Christ?
Some of us hit social justice, some of us miss racism. Some of us let women lead, others of us dont let gay people lead. Some of us nail chastity, some of us let judgementalism or piousness in. Some of us get the rules right, but totally miss grace. Some of us look righteous but don't have faith. Some of us go to church regularly, but how many of us let the holy spirit work in us towards His transformation?
How does the bible belt (as a big generalisation) miss slavery and racism? What is the NZ church missing? What needs do we live with or justify? Are we active about loving people or do we play church? Do we attend, or do we practice being Christlike? Are we Christlike about the big issues as well as the little things - the every day, things done for ourselves or for others, but without trumpets and banners?
But actually first, how are we listening to God and allowing him to shape us before we do a thing?
The Confession
For a long time I have felt like these questions have been churning inside.
A lot of what I have been thinking about while I have been here is that I am pretty good at making excuses for not doing things. What I am about to say I think helps to keep me from being Christlike, and helps me to miss being part of the church-answer to issues like the ones I have talked about above.... It is my confession.
I have felt unqualified for Christianity for ages. I grew up in a 'good Christian household' where I was brought up to be good. And in some ways it doesnt come too hard... there is something to be said for following the training of your parents. But I can do that pretty well without any involvement from God.
My problem is that I have tried so hard to be good about morality, that I have missed the joy of obedience. And i have done it myself. I have been good out of discipline (and there are definate moments on help from god), but i have not stretched my 'obedience' outside what the church has seemed to be comfortable with. I have also lived in fear of stuffing it up so that sometimes I feel like I haven't lived. Sometimes i feel like i have suffocated the life of Christ out of my own self. I've developed habits of legalism and not of a life sourced in Christ, so much so that I think I have a pretty warped view of what Christianity is. I can feel like God loves everyone, and see how it applies, but find it hard to accept that the offer is also for me.
I think I got used to churches that told me what to do and how to live. And i have to get better at taking responsibility for my own Christianity, especially in the light of things I have seen.
And now I am stuck. Churches go too fast for me because they want me to be involved. I want to learn how to obey God, but I feel vulnerable about people in positions of authority getting me to do what they want me to do. Is it what they need, or what I need, or what God wants or a mix?? Somewhere there is a balance between seeing a need and doing something about it, and cultivating Christ in us so that he impels us. I also that I get so tied up in questions about things that I get overwhelmed and cant go forward very well.
I dont want to be 'in church' for its own sake. I want to know Jesus and know the power of His kingdom for me (which translates into His kingdom to others). I dont want to get tied up serving inside the church, but when I am honest, I dont want my life to be too overtaken by Christ! Oh man!
So, that is my confession. Its kind of a confession and kind of not. I think the confession is that I havent been doing all I can do to sort out my questions. But I am not sorry for my questions.. I think thats an important part of growing up in faith.
I am figuring out over here how important community is. Without community, I couldn't help the homeless guy who wet himself at the bus stop beside me. I have nothing to offer - it is too much for me to meet that need alone. That takes a group of people (including a whole lot of men! Ha) to address the cause of something that can result in that kind of indignity. I cant do much about racism over here... thats a problem that takes relationship with people over a long time.
I am also missing all my friends from home, being able to chat about things, share little things in life and work through things that come up. I am really looking forward to coming home, and to settling into life again. I'm going to need some help with my questions... In the mean time, you praying folk could pray for me about this stuff, and for God's peace to be with me in my travels...
